Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm like, not good at living.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
