Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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