Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
