I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
