Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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