Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
