Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
