I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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