there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
