I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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