I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
