Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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