His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
