what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The dick lei will go down in squad history
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
