Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
