If i come over, it means nothing
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
