Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
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I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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