You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
