So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
