Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
