don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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