am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
