a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it's like iHOP with fire
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
