Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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