is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
