I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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