Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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