My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
