you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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