they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
