I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
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My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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