i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
