I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Watching her eat just hurts me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
