Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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