I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
