I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
wanna go halves on a baby?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
