made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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