Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
