I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
