Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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