so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
