Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
