a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
