My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
