no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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