I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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