I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
