You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
