i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
