I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
