I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
