Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
