The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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