why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
