I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
