dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
