Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
