I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
