lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
