My hand turned me down
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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