so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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