I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
