i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
