How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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