Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
